Let It Fade
by Mystikat
Summary: Rachel Berry is not "that girl". Rachel/OC, Puck. Warning: Abusive relationship.


**Let It Fade**

Rachel Berry has never considered herself to be "that girl". The kind that lets herself shrink away, or wilts in the shadows instead of taking her (rightful) place in the sun.

No, she's not that sort of girl. She's a lot of things, not all of them good or attractive, but she's not a victim. No matter what, she's never let them make her a victim.

"I'm _not_ that girl," she tells her reflection, skillfully applying the stage make-up to the fading bruises lining her neck.

No, she's not. She never let them see her cry. She never said a word.

She told herself that not being weak was never letting it show.

After all, that's the sort of thing more suited to the stage.

It's just a different kind of method acting, is all. It's the performance of her life.

**{&}**

Noah is watching her again. Of course, she should be used to it by now since he'd started about a month before she and Finn had broken up. In a way it's become comforting (most days), this level of attention, like she could count on him asking where she was if she went missing. Idly, she wonders if he'd be the first to go looking for her.

(Little girl fantasies, yes, but lately those have become essential to her.)

Today isn't one of those days. Today his steady gaze just makes her feel undressed, not in the sexual, leering way, but like he'd wiped his hand over her collar bone and revealed her secrets. He looks like he wants to lay hands on her and peel his way inside.

It scares her.

Because he looks like he understands something he just can't. He looks like he knows something he shouldn't.

She can't help it, her hand draws up and touches her neck, lightly. (Breaking character.)

It's back in her lap in a flash, and she carefully doesn't look at him throughout the rest of practice.

He may think he knows something, but he doesn't know _anything_.

**{&}**

Brian and her are curled up on his couch, he's telling her about his latest script, and how someday he can see her playing the lead role. He tells her that he's never written as much as when he's been with her.

"You're my inspiration," he murmurs, squeezing her knee and kissing the back of her neck. She closes her eyes and places her hand over his.

Since she's been with him, he's written more roles with her in mind than she can even keep track of. It used to be flattering, exciting, reciting lines from his plays under his proud eye.

Now she knows what it means, and just braces for impact.

**{&}**

One day after school while she's waiting for Brian, Noah corners her and "innocently" inquires about how things are going with "college boy".

"_Brian_ and I are getting along splendidly, thank you."

"Yeah? Wouldn't know it by the way you're so quiet about the guy. What happened to the girl who had the school newspaper put out that you'd finally run Finn to ground?"

He aches an eyebrow at her as she tenses, because she _hasn't_ been talking much about Brian lately. She hadn't even noticed. Sloppy.

"I'm a senior this year, Noah, and Brian is a sophomore in college; a more discreet and intimate relationship is simply natural with maturity."

He scoffs, "Not for you, it isn't. Unless you're fucking "maturing" into a different chick. The Rachel I know? Fucking _Queen_ of TMI." He's looming over her now.

She swallows and turns her head away. "Maybe you don't know me as well as you think."

Noah frowns and opens his mouth to reply when they both hear Brian calling her name. She looks at her boyfriend, Noah's gaze doesn't waver from her.

She introduces them, of course, because that's what she's _supposed_ to do, no matter how much she doesn't want to. The two men barely even acknowledge each other, and Brian holds out his hand to her.

Maybe you'd say that this is her chance to make a choice, to stay and be safe or to take his hand and risk being harmed.

But Rachel knows better. This moment isn't about choice.

Brian, smiling and tucking her under his arm, leads her to his car.

When she looks back, Noah isn't there, and she doesn't understand why she still feels his eyes on her.

**{&}**

He invites his friends over and asks her to be the hostess. She doesn't mind; hosting or the fact that he didn't ask if she wanted to have her friends come too. She sees them enough in glee club, anyway, and it's not like their respective groups would mix well. College students are just so much more… sophisticated, Brian knows that being reminded that she's still in high school would just embarrass her.

It goes off without a hitch, at least she thinks so. His friends are warm and welcoming, joking about how someone as dramatic as Brian needs a girl equally so to keep up.

"Did you just swoon into his arms when he broke out the vault?" Carol teases, jabbing Brian in his side and oblivious to how he tenses. Rachel notices, and slips her hand into his.

"The vault?"

"His 'destined for Broadway' plays, hun! Also known as 'destined for drunken performances in his living room'."

She feels a coil of nausea tighten in her belly.

Jeremy notices her boyfriend's tense posture and curtly tells Carol to lay off. She scoffs but obeys. Rachel just squeezes his hand and brightly changes the topic, asking Daniel to tell them more about his recent trip to Japan.

After they all leave, she makes sure to tell him that she'd always swoon for him. He smiles softly in return and strokes her cheek.

"This is why I love you, Rachel, no matter what my friends say."

She feels like someone just punched her.

"What your friends say? What do they say?"

"Don't get me wrong, they think you're okay… just a little young." He laughs. "Daniel told me I've been robbing the cradle. I mean, it's pretty obvious how hard you're trying to keep up, you know?"

No, she doesn't know. For once she'd felt like she'd been fitting in without trying at all. Like they weren't just tolerating her because she was dating him. And now it turns out that they've been asking him why they'd love a too young girl barely "keeping up" with them?

"Don't worry about them, Rachel. I love you despite all that, you can't help those things. They just don't understand."

She lets him pull her into an embrace.

No, they don't understand. He loves her despite that. He knows that she's worth something, at least to him.

She rests her head on his chest and listens to his heartbeat, letting it comfort her.

**{&}**

Another play gets rejected.

Barely a week since the last set had faded and already she has to wear the make-up again.

After, she holds him close, and lets him warm her.

She's been feeling cold lately.

**{&}**

Noah sits by her in history one day, causal. Like he attends everyday and always shares a desk with her. She stiffens and tries to pretend he's not there.

That lasts all of five minutes before he slides a piece of paper over to her side.

_Just ran into a doorknob, right?_

Panicked, she touches her neck, looking at him with wide eyes.

He just looks at her with grim satisfaction and mouths "_gotcha_".

She excuses herself to use the restroom and doesn't come back.

**{&}**

Brian picks her up, asks why she's ditching when the school day isn't even halfway through.

She shrugs.

"That Puck guy bothering you again?" He looks concerned. "You should tell someone. He's just going to keep harassing you until you do."

She closes her eyes.

"It's okay."

"No, it's not."

It's funny; Noah hadn't liked how easily she forgave either.

It kinda makes her want to laugh. She doesn't think she'd stop.

So she just keeps quiet.

**{&}**

He's writing again.

She kisses him on the temple and says "this time".

It's just something she has to believe.

**{&}**

When he shows up at her house, she just lets him in wordlessly.

For a while they stare at each other; his hands in his pockets, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Why are you with him, Rach?"

"It's none of your business, Noah, but if you _have_ to know it's because he needs me and he loves me for me _despite_ my varying flaws. Just like I need and love him too."

"Loves you for you? Fuck, Rachel, this isn't you."

She rolls her eyes. "This _is_ me."

"No. This is you _trying_ to be you. You're just fucking… play-acting or some shit."

"You don't understand! He makes me feel like I'm worth something. I belong somewhere and someone wants me. I'm never going to turn my back on him because he would _never_ turn his back on me. I should be happy to have him in my life." Her voice softens on the last sentence.

"You think you're worth nothing without him?" He grounds out. "How is that being Rachel Berry? Who the fuck are you now?"

She doesn't know the answer.

What's terrifying is that she suspects only Brian knows that anymore.

Her definition has become something only there when measured against his own.

But isn't that what love is?

**{&}**

"Tell me you love me."

He quirks an eyebrow. "Of course I do."

Of course.

**{&}**

At night, Rachel goes to bed wondering how she can know the difference between "that girl" and herself if she doesn't even know who she is without Brian anymore.

She cries when she realizes that if he left then that last piece of her would go too.

This is the kind of girl she is.

**{&}**

Maybe the proper end to this story would be that she'd realize that she deserved more and there would be a heartrending confrontation in true Rachel Berry style. She'd tell him that she was a woman who deserved love and a boyfriend who could do that without telling her that it was a struggle to. The music would swell and she'd drag a wet cloth over her jaw, revealing her bruises, shouting that he couldn't keep her quiet this way anymore. Witnesses would burst in the door just as he revealed what a true monster he was. She'd stand tall and proud, letting the world see that she had finally found her strength again.

In a proper story, she would leave him.

But this is not that story.

_Brian_ leaves _her_. For Hollywood, but not before letting her know that she'd been "holding him back" and that their relationship had been simply built on a cliché - the aspiring writer and his muse.

He tells her that he'll always be there for her, should she ever need him, and then kisses her on the forehead.

Her tongue is just a lifeless lump in her mouth. She might say goodbye, but she honestly can't quite register what's happening, so maybe she said nothing at all.

Noah comes over two days later.

They're in her room, and she asks him what kind of girl she is now.

He goes into her bathroom and comes back with her stage make-up. Then, watching her with a slight smile, throws it all away.

"You're the sort of girl who doesn't need that shit."

Her laugh is choked. "Is that so?"

"Fucking doubting me? That's the kind of girl you've always been. You just forgot for a little while."

Just a little while.

**{&}**

Maybe it doesn't matter what he took with him when he went away.

It wasn't any part of her that she wanted.

What matters is what he left behind, but that is whole other story; a proper one.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Written for a **puckrachel** prompt "Rachel is in an abusive relationship, Puck is the only one who notices." Title taken from The Cranberries' "Linger".

I'd like to say that this thing was a struggle to write, as I wanted to tab into something real and true… even if this is fan fiction, the subject matter was important to me. This is my attempt to convey a more realistic look at abuse while trying to not crush everyone's soul.

I have a policy of never asking for reviews, but I truly would love to hear feedback on this. A lot of tears went into the writing process on this one.

Thank you for reading!


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